Floating down the Illinois river–it’s just as natively Oklahoman as Indian Smoke Shops and meth. As a patron of local entertainment, my friends and I embarked on a journey for some field experience–you know, to bring you the best tips to make your float trip a great one. Well, that and it was my friend’s birthday.

Necessary parts of a successful float trip should include (but are not limited to)…

• Beer. Ample amounts of it. I don’t know how I kept myself entertained during church float trips in middle school. Seriously, what did we do, talk to each other the whole time? You don’t want to run out of beer either–that’s the worse kind of buzz kill.
• Sunscreen. Picking up members of the opposite sex is difficult if one is red and flakey.
• The right attire. Chacos, PFGs, party tanks, and jorts. Yep, the only acceptable time to wear jorts is indeed on a float trip. We got super fancy and threw in some party hats, a fanny cap, Hugh Hefner captain hats, and a sombrero for good measure.
• Townies. The people you meet whilst floating are a prime grade of working class. Inexplicable tattoos, clothing adorned with flames and/or skulls, and Skoal are commonplace amongst this crowd. If you’re lucky, they’ll offer you a sip of their moonshine or a hot dog from their portable grill. Bonus point if someone in your group makes out with one of them.
• Good eats. Beef jerky, Wonderbread sandwiches, sunflower seeds, and Funyuns are necessities if you want to maintain enough energy to last the entire day. You’ll need to save some cooler real estate for Gatorade too. Just do it.
• Shotgun Island. Beaching on a river bank is essential to making the most of your journey down the river. Take a potty break, shift boats, sing your school’s fight song, and of course, engage in a group shotgun beer. Loser has to drive home.
• Testosterone. It’s not a redneck float trip unless some silly decisions are made. Swing from trees, jump off tiny cliffs, and…end your day at Brookside Body Piercings.
• Pass out. The people who had the most fun will be the first to fall asleep. See below for proof:

• Rally. Last but not least, waking up and going out again is the most important part of making a float trip memorable. Your bar tab will be minimal due to dehydration, others will admire your freshly acquired tan, and you’ll be full of silly anecdotes to share with people you encounter. Plus, then you can convince the birthday boy that taking shots of Rumple is a GREAT idea.

In the words of Ice Cube, it was a good day…